FairlyOdd Parents Porno Story: Quite Oddparents Speedy Delivery Chapter One

Fairly Odd Parents:
Speedy Delivery

By Kairi Taylor

Disclaimer: No, I
dont. Sadly, the show is owned by Nickelodeon and Butch Hartman,
and at this point youre probably wishing it werent.

This was the one
day that Crockers class hated, out of all the days that they had
in the year. Of course, any day spent learning under Crocker was an
small bit of hell, but today was one that was particularly gruesome;
bonus assignments. And it usually started off with this:

Good news
class! Its bonus assignment day! Crocker smiled maliciously as
he excitedly kicked in the door to the classroom. Not one kid in the
class looked forward to this day, as it was well known that the grade
curve Crocker had for this was particularly high; at best one could
hope for a B- in the chosen task. Now, unlike my previous
assignments, Im supposed to make this one interesting for you.
Apparently, happy students are the rage these days. Who knew?

So does this
mean that the school finally took my suggestion seriously!? asked
an already excited Chester.

Crocker sighed.
For the last time Chester, no one wants to go hunting for the
Hoboken Wendingo! It does not exists

Thats what
the government WANTS you to believe! My cousin Ralph onceslipped in
its drool.

And they call
me the crackpot! Crocker sat down at his desk and continued his
job. This time students, your assignment is simple: start your own
business!

Like a lemonade
stand? AJ asked.

Dont be so
generic! You are all tasked with coming up with a unique and
innovative service to the community. The ones whose business can make
the most capital will score the highest grade.

Ha, piece of
cake! Timmy crowed. If it requires an innovative idea, Ive
already got it in the bag!

Youll also
be working alone.

Oh, crud. So
much on relying on AJ, Timmy thought.

Of course, Crocker
was banking on this: it would mean that Timmy would be forced to rely
on the help of his fairy godparents to help him with his assignment.
All he needed was evidence of Timmy using magic on the job and it
would be a slam dunk.

An innovative
business venture huh? the gravely voice of the school bully,
Francis, spoke up as he rubbed his chin, a thought slowly forming in
the rather small skull of his. I think I may just have the very
thing this town needs to finally—

250 dollars
and time served!! the gavel banged down hard on the wood of the
bench as Judge C. Jones rendered his verdict. Francis gruffly uttered
something unintelligible as he and his two female companions, a tall
blonde and a tall brunette, vacated the court room. Stupid anti
juvenile pimping laws! As he left, the judge asked the bailiff
Whats the next case Mac?

Its Mr.
Coyote vs the Acme Corporation, your honor.

Again? Doesnt
that guy ever learn?

Timmy sat in the
beanbag located in his tree house, distressed as Wanda and Cosmo
floated above his head, while Poof rode a wooden beetle. Before I
begin to tell you my problem, Timmy began, why did you get Poof
a wooden beetle?

Cosmos
forbidden from possessing any sort of wooden horse. Wanda
explained. Lets just say it gives Jorgen fits if Cosmo ver is
seen next to one.

Youd think
hed enjoy my reenactment of the Fall of Troy. Cosmo sighed.

In any case,
Im totally lost! I need to come up with an idea for my own
business and I dont know where to start.

Hmm, why not
try something simple, like a baked good stand. That does a brisk
business. Wanda suggested.

No, I already
thought of that. But AJ already beat me to it. Timmy then reached
into his pocket and pulled out a pack of green jellybeans. AJs
Blend Jellybeans! Its any flavor you want it to be. Wanda read
aloud the words on the bag. Popping one into her mouth, she cooed,
oooh, this one tastes like egg custard!

Well, what
about the dating business? Cosmo suggested. Timmy shook his head
and replied No, that option is right out. Thanks to Francis, any
dating themed business has been shut down until they finish the
pending investigation.

Ah well,
pimping aint easy.

And how would
you know that? Wanda asked Cosmo, arching an eyebrow.

I read it in my
latest Opal Book Club selection: Pimping-Not an Easy Task.

It was at that
moment that the door to his tree house opened and a fairy holding a
pizza box flew in. Ok, your pizzas here! the fairy said as
he dropped a dusty, burned and funky smelling on the ground.

Hey, we ordered
this pizza 3 months ago! Youre just getting here now? Timmy
said to the fairy. The fairy put his hands on his hips and replied
Hey, we have hundreds of orders to fill! Most of these orders go
through other dimensions you know, and dont get me started on what
happens when you try to fill an order in Miseryville!

Well at least
its free! Cosmo pointed out Although I rather my pizza
didnt come with penicillin!

It was then that
Timmy had a thought. Hey, Cosmo, you just gave me an idea!

Does it involve
the Hoboken Wendingo?

No. Wanda, I
need a copy of the Fairy World catalog.

Crocker stepped
out onto his rather dusty porch the next morning to grab his copy of
the morning paper. Usually, his thoughts in the morning would be
filled with schemes on how to expose Timmys fairies to the world.
But for the moment, he was too preoccupied with figuring out what
happened to his stash of chocolate donuts. I just hope mother
didnt go on an eating binge. Again. He groggily yawned.
Reaching down, he noticed a curious flyer on the ground next to his
paper.

Whats
thisTurner Delivery Service? Anywhere in Dimmsdale and the local
Dimmsdale Desert in 20 minutes or no charge! Crocker arched an
eyebrow in suspicion. 20 minutes? How is that possible?

Thats when he
noticed it: across the street, he saw Timmy talking with his
neighbor, Mr. Blanc, who had in his hands a large box. Now
remember kid, Mr. Blanc sternly told Timmy, I need this
downtown in 10 minutes!

No problem
sir! an enthusiastic Timmy said. Timmy then saluted, took the box
from the hands of his customer, and walked out in the middle of the
road. Giving the thumbs up, Timmy turned to the general direction of
the city and, before Crockers eyes, very quickly sped off.

Crockers jaw
dropped, literally. After taking a moment to pick it up, he said to
himself Either I drank too many cups of Folgers coffee or I just
saw Timmy Turner go from zero to 120 in .32 seconds! He barely
scrapes by in gym class, how is this possible? It took precisely 5
seconds for Crocker to come up with the only plausible conclusion.

Theres only
one possible explanationTurner must have been distressed by the
fact that he could not rely on the skills of his friends to complete
this assignment! So, he went seeking the aid of his FAIRY
GODPARENTS!! (imagine Crocker spazzing out here.) After getting less
than helpful advice, something must have happened to inspire him to
request a special catalog from his FAIRY GODPARENTS!! (Again,
imagine more spazzing out.)

Crocker rubbed his
chin in frustration. However, this puts me at a disadvantage. Im
forbidden to do anything to interfere with the students as they are
performing their tasks. Blow up one cheese diorama and they never let
you live it down. Fortunatley for Crocker, there was a very easy
solution to this.

Vicky sat at the
desk in her room, dejected and bored. Business was practically
nonexistent these days, since it seemed that all the kids were
currently preoccupied running their own little side businesses. It
meant that all her babysitting and blackmail services were put on
hold. Of course, she could have just sabotaged all of them, but they
saw fit to buy Vicky Insurance before they set out to their
tasks.

The phone on her
desk suddenly rang and caught her attention. Finally, I was almost
desperate enough to spend time with my parents! she gasped.
Picking up the receiver and holding it to her ear, she dejectedly
said Vickys Babysitting Service, how may I help you sir or
maam?

Babysitting
Service? I thought this was Vickys Dirty Deeds Done Dirt
Cheap! Must have the wrong number.

No no, wait, we
offer that too! So, what do you have in mind, and keep it
interesting!

My problem is
Timmy turner related.

Vicky rolled her
eyes. Oh, arent all our problems twerp related. So, what dd the
little creep do to you?

Nothing today,
but its his new little business that worries me. Hes offering
deliveries done in 10 minutes or its free and so far, hes doing
extremely well! I want to know his secret!

Vicky frowned. If
there was anything she despised more than a happy Timmy Turnerm it
was a Timmy Turner who was outdoing her in business. Alright, but
what do I get out of it in return?

Aside from a
huge monetary reward, all the Acme gear you can use. I have an
extended contract with them.

Very well then,
leave it all to me.

The scene: the
Dimmsdale Desert.

There isnt
exactly too much to see in this large strip of badlands, other than a
few notable rock formations and old west themed parks. But if one was
standing in the desert that day, looking at the road, they would be
privy to two unusual sights.

The first would be
a rapidly sprinting Timmy Turner (Accelirus Twerpikus) with a package
in hand running down the road. Accompanying him on his job in
disguise as labels on his shirt were Cosmo, Wanda and Poof. Wow
sport, this delivery service youre provided for Dimmsdale is sure
to get you an A for your project! Wanda said to her godchild.
Timmy nodded and added Well, it was a good thing I ordered these
sneakers from the Fairy World catalog! These things are amazing!
Timmy was referring to the red and white sneakers that he currently
wore on his feetbut if they were sneakers no one could tell as his
feet were moving that fast.

The Hermes 5000
are a special make of sneakers designed specifically for deliveries.
Wanda explained. Its possible to reach even speeds of Mach 2
with them.

And, 2 out of
3 hedgehogs swear by them! Cosmo pointed out. Although the
echidna demographic seem to favor gloves.

Uh oh. Dont
look now guys, but we seem to have a problem. Timmy said as he
looked behind him. The second unusual sight was completely
unexpected: it was Vicky (Ickikus Vickikus) in pursuit behind him on
a Harley Davidson, a butterfly net in hand.

Whats Vicky
doing here?

Is it too much
to hope shes looking for the Hoboken Wendingo? Cosmo suggested.

Ill just
have to lose her then.

As Vicky inched
closer, ready to ensnare her quarry, Timmy turned around, stuck out
his tongue twice and sped off, literally becoming a blur as he
practically tore up the road. What the was all Vicky managed
to get out, right before slamming herself and her motorcycle face
first into a raised piece of concrete. Picking herself up from the
wreckage, Vicky wearily said Ok, this jobs going to require a
bit of strategy on my end.

Heh, theres
no way he could resist this!

Set up on the side
of the road, underneath a box with a stick, was a plate with some
tacos and a glass of soda. Attached to said stick was a string. And
if one followed the string, they would see it lead to a rock, where
Vicky was waiting. Theres no way anyone can resist the allure
of free tacos!

Doing her best to
suppress her sinister giggles, Vicky squatted down and waited. A few
minutes later, she heard an audible crunch. Yanking hard, she watched
as the box dropped down on her quarry. It would be madness to think
it could actually work, but then again, Timmy wasnt exactly the
brightest of people.

Ive got you
now, twerp! she yelled excitedly as she lifted the box up. She
didnt feel the same for that long when she saw what was underneath
the box: it was a pair of kids, one dressed in a tiger suit wearing a
belt with a big T in the middle, the other was a blue haired
girl with goggles on her head. And they were making out. Well, they
were up until the blue haired girl noticed Vicky gawking at her.

Ok, this is
awkward. Frieda said.

Who are you
kids and why are you in my trap?

You mean this
is not a free taco stand and makeout box? Manny asked.

No. Who
actually makes that sort of thing?

Manny pointed out
to the desert sands behind him. Dotted all over the area were many
card board boxes, with people either eating tacos or making out in
the shade.

Vicky sighed. Ok,
plan b!

It was finished.
It took quite a bit of time, but it was finally done.

In the middle of
the road was a large brick wall, at least 7 feet in height. And all
over the road was a long trail of black oil, Acme brand, directly
leading to said wall. This plan is foolproof. Vicky said. In
a few seconds, Ill be peeling the twerp off the wall and be off to
collect my pay! As she stood by the side of the road, she thought
of ways to spend the reward money, like buying the limited edition
GAH! Plate set.

A few seconds
later, Timmy sped into view. Vicky smiled sadistically as he came
closer to her trap. However, she was definitely not expecting what
followed next: Timmys speed was such that he not only set the oil
on the ground on fire, he crashed through the brick wall. As he sped
off into the distance, Vicky stood there, mouth agape. But it
wouldnt lat that long when she noticed something.

Thats
funnyI smell burning feet. She looked down and noticed her feet
were on fire. So she did the only thing she could do at that point in
time: she ran around screaming in pain around in a circle until the
remains of the brick wall fell on top of her.

As Timmy raced
down the road, he made an abrupt stop. At the side of the road was a
large cheery pie, sitting on a plate atop of a rock pile. Wow.
What are the odds someone would leave a perfectly good pie out in the
middle of the desert.

I always
wondered what kid of a person leaves food out in the middle of the
open desert. They must not care for desserts much. Cosmo pondered.

I cant help
but think Ive seen something like this before. Wanda said to
Timmy.

Wandas
suspicions were well founded. Nearby was Vicky, behind a cactus, a
TNT plunger in hand. As Timmy picked up the pie and began devouring
it, she quickly pushed down on the plunger

and nothing
happened. Bewildered, she pushed down on it repeatedly, but no big
explosion came. As she frantically tried to get the desired explosion
to commence, Timmy finished off the pie and sped off.

ARRGGHHH!!!
Vicky angrily ran to the explosives hidden underneath the rock pile
and inspected them. She then noticed the problem: one of the wires
attached to the TNT was unhooked. As she hooked it back up to the
TNT, a little voice in her head said to her in a falsetto voice:
MISTAKE!!!

The massive
explosion that followed sent her screaming into the skies until
gravity gave out and she was sent plummeting towards the nearby
canyon. As she rapidly approached the bottom, she held out a sign
which read Hey, to whoever is writing this: How about you fade out
to the next scene before I hit?

Thankfully, the
author was that merciful.

All right,
playtime is OVER TWERP!!! Vicky growled as she unboxed the latest
item she had gotten from Acme: A large, LARGE missile launcher. As
Timmy sped past her location, she pressed the button on her remote,
activating the explosive and sending it racing after Timmy. Theres
no way this can fail!

So, how does it
work?

Oh thats
simple. When its launched, the Acme Heat Seeking missile will home
in and pursue the nearest heat source until

Vicky stopped
herself. It was then that she noticed that she was giving a detailed
explanation of a remote controlled ballistic to the very person she
launched it at: Timmy, who was standing next to her. Wait a
second, HOWD YOU DO THAT?

Its a trade
secret. By the way, thanks for the tip about heat sources. Timmy
pointed to the torch that he had attached to her back pocket. Vicky
pouted as she realized what was about to happen and did the only
thing she could do: reaching into her pocket, she pulled out a
blindfold, wrapped it around her eyes and stood in the middle of the
road. Seconds later, the missile would slam into her and carry her
off, leaving the remote behind. Picking it up, Timmy said to Cosmo
and Wanda You know, Ive been wondering why Vickys been
chasing after me.

Maybe she has a
shota complex. Cosmo suggested.

I think its
only right we send that missile to its proper owner.

Crocker stepped
out onto his porch, a cup of coffee in hand. I wonder how Vicky is
doing. He said to himself. No doubt, she must have found out how
Timmy was making his deliveries.

As he looked up in
the sky, he got the answer he was seeking for, in more ways than one:
screeching towards him was a large missile, and at its tip was a
screaming Vicky.

This is the
last time I do outsourcing.

Timmy walked down
the streets towards his home, a spring in his step and a smile
plastered on his face. Well, this has been a GREAT week. Timmy
exclaimed. I got an A+ on the assignment, I made a ton of money
and best of all, Crocker and Vicky are both in the hospital for
intensive burns!

Speaking of
hospital, are you gonna visit Chester? Cosmo asked. Its been
a week since his run in with the Hoboken Wendingo.

Yeah, whod
have thought hed actually run into that thing in a Wal-Mart? But
hey, its been a great week! Nothing possibly sour my mood.

Oh Timmmy!!!

Ok, maybe I
spoke too soon. Approximately 5 yards ahead of him was his very
enthusiastic, almost obsessive would be crush: Tootie. Cosmo, Wanda
and Poof quickly transformed into cats as Timmy said. I think Ill
salvage whatever pride I have and run for my life, right now! As
Timmy turned to flee, however, he found himself already in the iron
embrace of Tooties arms. This normally would not have been
possible, but it should be noted that Timmy has casually tossed aside
the sneakers he wore into a nearby bin and Tootie had found them.

So, Timmy,
Tootie said seductively, they say Virginia is for lovers. Care to
test that theory out?

I doubt saying
no is a viable option. As Tootie sped off with Tootie, Cosmo
turned to his wife and said Well, I think Timmy learned an
important lesson today.

That objects of
great power should never be disposed of so casually?

No. Once a
woman sets her sights on you, theres no escape, so just shut up
and enjoy the ride.

Wanda, not amused,
chose this time to drop a boulder on her husband.